The Sexy Sixth, First Edition

September 6, 2006 at 4:12 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Yay! It’s here- the very first Sexy Sixth!  Let’s just jump right in to what I wanted to write about today:

I am a big fan of what I like to call “book porn”.  There is a certain episode of Friends where Joey discovers a romance novel and dubs it book porn, and that is where I got it from.  I have actual Harlequin books mixed in with baby, parenting, mysteries, religious, and classic books.  I am not ashamed.  Much. 

I do, however, have a small problem with them.  No, it’s not the hilarity that ensues when the writer tries to play “50 euphemisms for a man’s sex organ”(although some of them are great) it’s how unrealistic many of the scenes are.  Now I realize that they are “fantasy” genre for the most part, but there are still a few things that I find myself wondering about.

Very few of the couples use protection or some type of birth control, apparently.  Has the writer decided to just leave out the part where the Knight in Shining Armor grabs a condom, or is that on purpose?  Kind of a mood killer, really, I suppose:

     * ” As their passions began to overwhelm them, lust flooding over them in a wave of need, Brock lovingly looked into Jennifer’s eyes and promptly jumped off the bed, ran into the bathroom for a condom, couldn’t find them and yelled ‘hey honey, where are the condoms- I can’t find them?!’ “
   
Now that is hot.  But more realistic than what you usually read, I might add.  Hmmm, I think I really have a talent for erotica here…

Another thing that bothers me is, well, the afterwords part.  After they are “spent” from all their “lovemaking” the couple more often that not, apparently drift off to sleep with smiles of contentment on their lips and their limbs intertwined.  I don’t know about everyone else, but  “doing the dirty” is, well, dirty.  Things are in need of cleaning afterwords.  I mean, ewww!  Things have to be taken care of, you know?!  Again, I understand that is not a turn on nor sexy in any way, but it’s real life.  

   * ” Breath still ragged, he collapsed upon her, spent.  Minutes later, after his heart no longer felt as if he had run a marathon, he mustered up a shred of energy, lifted his head and kissed her, a satisfied smirk on his face.  Then he stood up and walked into the bathroom to shower, as he was quite sweaty.  Then he drank some water, ate a bowl of cereal, brushed his teeth and caught the last fifteen minutes of Letterman.”

See what I mean?  That’s a little more like it! That’s real!  There are parts of sex that aren’t sexy.  That’s all there is to it.  You don’t read about how Betty never had time to achieve an orgasm because Dan just couldn’t seem to last long enough.  You don’t read about Junior waking up and interrupting things, and then he wouldn’t go back to sleep so things were left unfinished.  You don’t read about George trying to do something that Penny just was NOT down with.  Rachel doesn’t have to reassure Dillon that “it’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean”.  Maybe that’s why I like to read romance novels- none of these things happen in Fairy Tale Land. 

Keep your eyes out for a new romance novel by yours truly (I think I should come up with a pen name, though- some thing funny and/or dirty like Hellota Fajina or Ima D. Erty-Hooker).  Let me know, and I’ll put your name somewhere in it!

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1 Comment »

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  1. I read romance novels. Not as much as I used to, but I ALWAYS skip the sex. It’s just too much for me. I am all about the romance, the dresses, the castles, etc. I WISH I could say I read them for the sex. Nope. I’m too lame for that.


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