Dear Street

August 21, 2007 at 5:21 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I have been composing this letter to our street for a few months now, and it seems I continually have more to add to it as the weeks go by.  I sure love to complain about my neighbors, and they sure make it easy to do. Notice that I use no names. That is because I only know one person’s name out of all that are mentioned here.  Because no one else has come over and introduced themselves. And I am antisocial:

Dear _____ Street Residents:

Hey! How are ya’ll?! Ready for the hurricane? Sheesh!

How ’bout all the rain this summer! We haven’t had to water all summer! Neither have you, apparently single mother across the street from us who’s yard always looks like crap. Looks like it got so bad that the landlord actually had to put new sod down because the old stuff just plain died. You’re probably the reason that there is a specific watering clause in our lease. 

 Also, you may want to consider dragging some of your kids stuff inside before it gets blown away this week.  I must say I am really hoping that the rain will be keeping you inside when you are on the phone, because if I have to listen to you SCREAM at someone on the phone while I am trying to put my daughter to bed one more time, I may have to scream back. I get mad at telemarketers too, but come on!

 Maybe screaming is just “your thing”.  Is that why the Best Buy guy only stayed over twice? Tell me, what attracted you to him? The way he was able to set up your new tv or whatever reason it was that he was there in the first place? Must have been a “big job” if it took him all night! I bet it was the shorts. That’s it, isn’t it?! Oh, and your son scares my daughter when he rides up to her and growls. Please tell him to stop.  And teach him words.

Shame on you, married neighbor lady next to her– I noticed the Best Buy truck over at your house just days later! Was a discount involved? Did your neighbor give you a coupon or something?

Nice middle aged man who lives with his very very large wife and daughter, please PLEASE put a shirt on! I know it is dang hot outside- it is Texas, but even those dirty tee’s with the hacked off sleeves would be an improvement.  Perhaps you should stop rebuilding your transmission ’cause you’re bored and work on your daughter’s car.  I can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up last winter to the sounds of her trying to get the piece of crap to stay running long enough to get down the driveway. 

Finally, please keep all three your dogs off my yard.  As much as I love the smell of fresh dog poo in the morning, it’s just not nice to let your dogs do that.  All the time. Calling them back whenever you notice that I’ve walked outside doesn’t magically make it better, either.

Nice middle aged man’s wife, please do not go outside wearing only shorts and a sports bra.  I bet you’ve got nearly a hundred pounds on me and are a couple inches shorter than I am.  I will not even wear my old lady bathing suit without shorts over it in my front yard.  Nobody wants to see my fat twenty-something butt showing that much skin, what makes you think they want to see someone twice my age and size wearing even less?  Have some modesty!  Have some pride!  Stop the inhumanity! Let your husband into the house!

Random people who live and/or come and go from red bricked house– please turn your sweet and totally bangin’ systems down just a smidge when you pull onto the street.  I’m all abizout da gansta rap, yo, but that’s some heavy shizit for my three year old.  Admittedly, you did make me laugh the other day when you pulled up blaring “Let’s Get It On”. That is some hard core.

Frequent car pool buddy of sports fanatic middle aged couple: must you honk to let them know you are there? Repeatedly? Are your legs broken? I’ve seen no handicapped tag on your Expedition.

Those two couples at the end of the street with lots of kids: you guys will start putting the kids down earlier once school starts, right? Seriously. Between you and single lady, you guys yell loud at night!  Like past ten. I know I am younger than all of you, but you are making me feel like a strict cranky old lady- wanting to put my child to bed before ten ‘n all. Silly me. Also, quit honking at each other and your husbands.  They know you’re pulling up! There aren’t that many cars driving through our little cul-de-sac.

Gosh! I feel better! You guys enjoy the rest of the summer! Quietly, from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. PLEASE. I will bake cookies and bring them ’round if you do. 

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2 Comments »

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  1. Ok, suddenly I feel much better about my street!!

  2. ROTFLMAO!!! Sounds like you live on my street!Thanks for the laugh!With friendship,Lisa


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